2001

A Vice Captain writes :  Memo from Neil Clark of PricewaterhouseCoopers 25 September 2000

Dear All,
As things stand, I will not be around on WED 13th Dec to celebrate this season's achievements at the annual Thai-fest, so, buoyed by the odd Rolling Rock at Cynthia's Cyberbar and bored by my first day back from my Lesbian adventure [ie holiday to Lesbos], I thought I'd let you have a few musings on the last campaign, further to Mr Jacobs' contribution.

1.  We will need at least a couple of new talents next year.  Perhaps the central contract system will mean Nasser needs some practice in between test matches in 2001, but I feel that it is our batting that needs improving rather than the captaincy.  Extras were our highest scorer last year - nuff said.

2.  Our lack of flexibility in the field has been cruelly exposed on more than the odd occasion:  I therefore wholeheartedly recommend the yoga teachings of Miss Gabrielle Preston (Hanwell & Twickenham) to remove any post-Winter (the season, not the batsman) rustiness.  Barring that, drink more - it has been statistically proven that less injuries occur when falling down drunk than sober. I myself am a big fan of the dive (the seedier the better, I'd say). As a final desparate gamble, have babies - that catch by Mr Newton must have been inspired by the improved reactions(and stronger wrists) occasioned by being
a new father.

3.  Shit bowling works - none of this length and line stuff.  If crap gets us out, why don't we serve it up to the opposition more often?  Just look at the year-long success of "Shane" Fletcher, right arm (very) round, and Mr Shilling's clean bowling of a Presidents batsman who ducked a beamer.

4.  Finally, you know it's been a poor season when the player of the year is me, remember the guy who couldn't even find his way to Welwyn and wears a helmet even when playing table tennis.  I have got better as I've got older (ditto Fletch, Dom S, Craig) as far as Cricket is concerned (Irwin - vis-a-vis reproduction), if you can still get out of bed [Mr Bush!], you can contribute.I do not expect a repeat next year.

Remember also, those who are overdrawn from their partner's love banks, there is plenty of time to make deposits before next season.

Toodle Pip,

Clarkster [Vice 2001].

However, we must always bear in mind that it is not the winning but the TURNING UP that is important

Cap'n Ben writes with a big moan

Great game on Sunday everyone played really well, and I feel justice was done after our last encounter with them.

However, on reading the official match write up something disturbed me that I think an independent investigation is required. If you note the scorecard I have only been credited with 1 catch, however, I caught 2, both off Steve J (batsman 3 and batsman 11). And not only have my catching figures and been tampered with but I have also been "credited" with a dropped catch. Now I can only presume that the dropped catch came off the bat of the lassie Margaret, where I was unsighted momentarily, and left it to Tony who had made the call (it might have sounded like a call of a rhino on heat, but it was definitely Tony), so I left it for him.

On further inspection of the books I also have noted that there have been other occasions when catches have not been credited to me this year eg in Javea.

Is someone gambling on our catches vs dropped catches stats? Have people been bribed to drop catches for Salix CC?

Bring in Lord Condom is what I suggest.

Has anyone noted a similar experience?

Regards,

Cap'n Ben

(The Director Answers:  I expect I got this wrong, in the heat of the moment etc.  It's not easy being a one horned mammal with excess testosterone)

Big Boss Natalie Steps, being Steve Jacobs superior in most directions, signed our guest book....

Dear Sirs

It is with great discomfort that I have arrived at your site. Recently we undertook an analysis of our staff's internet logon's and have discovered that Stephen Jacobs our Chief Exe spends in excess of 50% of his time on this site.
So.. when it comes to names....forget the joke spice, forget ego spice try bloody lazy spice!!!
From
His boss!

PS...He did drop that catch, suggest you just ignore the stroppy email from him complaining about the decision!