1. Cricket is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy (Stephen Fry)
2. FOOTBALL offers the world clichés; RUGBY produces facial deformity; HOCKEY provides an acceptable outlet for psychotic violence; CRICKET alone breeds myths. More quotes here.
A smilw, that'll be three quid, Sir
| Item | Price | Notes |
| Not turning up and game given by default | £20 (in used notes to the manager please) | |
| Turning up with a load of useless old blokes, plus some young ones who look athletic but aren't | No charge | |
| dodgy LBW decision | £1 | Ask for our Henig special - LBW and wide ball combined - only 50p extra |
| Wild slogging without connecting | Complimentary | |
| Fag break at crucial moment | £3 | Combine this with our loosing the toss on purpose special for a Guinea extra |
| Freakish bowling action enables batsmen to slog | £2.50 | Free tax advice thrown in |
| Dropped Catch | £1 each, | or 6 for a fiver (Winter special) |
| Winning game against all the odds | £20,000 payable a year in advance |
No cheques please, we're South African
