1. Cricket is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy (Stephen Fry)
2. FOOTBALL offers the world clichťs; RUGBY produces facial deformity; HOCKEY provides an acceptable outlet for psychotic violence; CRICKET alone breeds myths... More quotes here.


It's a long way: Wenlock Arms 15 Aug 2004 (Season: 2004)
Report by: A depressed old man

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As we negotiated the depressing and lengthy stretch of nothing that is the North Circular, I reflected on what Dr Dustman had said to me last week - surely, he queried, we must run out of synonyms for "ignominious defeat" and "middle order collapse" soon. No, I replied, we have access to an online Thesaurus. But such banter was to comeback and haunt me.

Imagine a Dyson vacuum cleaner the same size as the Nat West Tower. Now plug it into Heysham B Nuclear power plant. Then hit the on switch. That baby would suck - but not as much as Salix. I had mistakenly told the team our lowest ever score was 72. Now I realize it was 58, so to put this game in context it was only the 4th ever lowest Salix score. Mind you 26 of our runs came from extras. It's frankly too depressing to even write about the game, bare facts will have to do.

Captain Clarkster won the toss and elected to field. Even though the pitch had a very small boundary we kept the Wenlocks down to 164. Yours truly became a ball magnet for catches, Ginger and the German bowled v well and Mark Strong took a couple of seriously hard ones.

Tea was not until 5 pm so we opened straight away and saw a steady procession of openers back to chairs that were still warm from their posteriors. We had tea, the chairs cooled a little but sadly our batting did not warm up at all (except for our top scorer, The Rhodesian Love Machine, with a classy 11) and by 6.30 is was all over. As we were collapsing, so were the WIndies at Old Trafford, but that is scant comfort.

Abandoning the Thesaurus as totally inadequate therefore, I searched Google translations for synonyms, bad things often sound better in foreign tongues, so here they are:

* wir waren Abfall

* mi dios, aspiramos o qué

* aujourd'hui était jour pour batsmen pour oublier

* Os shambles terríveis, e aquele são offical

* Piuttosto farei i miei strapparsi testicoli fuori dal hyena del arabid che ammettere che gioco per Salix

Translations as follows:

We were awful, my god, did we suck, today was day for the batsmen to forget, A terrible shambles, and that is offical, I would rather have my testicles torn off by a rabid hyena than admit that i play for Salix

Salix CC versus Wenlock Arms CC at Met Police Chigwell on 15-08-2004(35 Over Game)
Salix CC (batting second)68all outoff19overs Match Lost
Wenlock Arms CC164all outoff35.2overs
NoPlayerScoreHow Out
1.Dominic Spillane0Caught
2.Andy Rayner0Bowled
3.Mike Ellis0Caught
4.Mark Strong10Caught
5.Graham Nannery4Bowled
6.Irwin Sarif11Run Out
7.Tony Fletcher0LBW
8.Neil Clark5Bowled
9.Rajeev Sanwalka4Caught
10.Gavin Holland8Not Out
11.Steve Jacobs0Caught
1.Steve Jacobs73210--3.00
2.Rajeev Sanwalka4.2126213.0013.006.00
3.Andy Rayner702337.6714.003.29
4.Tony Fletcher3017117.0018.005.67
5.Gavin Holland7135135.0042.005.00
6.Mike Ellis7030310.0014.004.29
Tony Fletcher3catches
Mark Strong2catches
Graham Nannery1catch
Neil Clark1drop
Tony Fletcher1drop
Steve Jacobs1drop
Graham Nannery1drop
Irwin Sarif1drop

The Team smile before humilitiang themselves

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