1. Cricket is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy (Stephen Fry)
2. FOOTBALL offers the world clichés; RUGBY produces facial deformity; HOCKEY provides an acceptable outlet for psychotic violence; CRICKET alone breeds myths... More quotes here.


Worra scorcha: Everyman 10 Aug 2003 (Season: 2003)
Report by: Me

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It’s official; the hottest day ever recorded in the UK since records began (101 deg F) saw the 10 lads of Salix (CK1 had to go to a concert or something) trundle down the A3 to meet our new opponents Everyman for the first time. With Cap’n Ben duly losing the toss, Everyman chose to bat first, so it was out onto a pitch that was hotter than a (* take your pick).  As well as the heat it was rather noticeable that there was a significant slope on the pitch and whilst those of us who have skied the Hahnenkamm at Kitzbuhel did not find it daunting there were several refusals to bowl from the sea level end.

The Everyman openers started in fine style hitting nearly 50 before the first change, and our teams second oldest player 49 and 11 months old Charles  “Old Woman” Hewitt came on and broke the partnership, then its was on to the seriously old players, (i.e. 50 plus and to whit yours truly) to serve up a couple of quick wickets with the trade mark “so slow you can’t time it with a radar gun, you need a diary.” ball. And from then on it was a steady flow of wickets, with only the Everyman MOM Mr Richardson on 34 not out getting a decent score. Fielding highlights included an excellent catch by Mr Rayner, 3 for 22 from the aged Mr Hewitt and 5 for 23 from the oldest man on the pitch. i.e. me. (**)

Tea saw us needing 158 to win.  And if it hadn’t got even hotter by then, well you can put mustard on my box and call me Doreen. 

So our openers, the aforementioned aged Mr H and Mr Mason got a off to a cracking, drug assisted start (Nurofen and Inhaler juice respectively) only to see Mr M hit an absolute belter and get caught nearly on the boundary.  I reckon the fielder had to catch it or it would have taken his head off, 40 yards out. Mr Rayner then came on and steadied the middle order and together with Mr Shaw and Mr Ellis, Salix stayed on the run rate right towards the end. At 7 needed with 3 overs to go they both manfully decided to get out to give the tail a chance of glory. 

Mr Henig duly put on 2 runs, there were several byes and wides (36 in total!) and then it was the last over with us tied.  Mr T Collins, returning cricketer of the Parish of Upper Norwood had the strike and it was dot ball, dot ball, dot ball.  A brief conflab with the aged number 9 (yes me again) decided us to run the next ball come what may.  As the Everyman team to a man crowded round Mr C he deftly chipped it in the air towards silly mid on and the fielder juggled it several times before it hit the ground below a morass of players.  We’d run and we won.  With 2 balls to go.

 A really nice game this one, such a friendly bunch.  We’ll be back next year.

Getting a 5 for 23 – prompted me to look up the Salix records.  In our time nearly 1000 bowlers have had sessions with Salix.  Of these there have been three 6 fors and five 5 fors (with Simon Curtis featuring no less than 3 times).  But we can discount a number of these as having been bowled by celebrity ringers or in 20 over games. Our best ever bowling performance in a full match is still therefore held by the younger Mr Jacobs with  11 overs 6 wickets for  37 runs in 1998 against the Ruislip 2nd XI. 

This beats Dave the Actors 6 overs 5 wickets for 9 runs on the washed out tour game of 1999, but none one comes close to Mr Hewitt’s performance back in 1993 (when we were all boys) of 4 overs, 5 wickets for 4 runs against a team I can’t even remember called Penspan.  

Google offers these southern fried options: hotter than a

  • hooker on dollar day,

  • mofo,

  • snakes ass,

  • Green Chile Cheeseburger

  • 2 dollar pistol.

Salix CC versus Balham Roamers at New Malden on 10-08-2003(35 Over Game)
Salix CC (batting second)158for 7off34.4overs Match Won
Balham Roamers157all outoff30overs
NoPlayerScoreHow Out
1.Paul Mason14Caught
2.Charlie Hewitt14Caught & Bowled
3.Andy Rayner32Caught & Bowled
4.Dominic Guinness4LBW
5.Ben Shaw32Caught & Bowled
6.Mike Ellis21Bowled
7.Tim Collins6Not Out
8.Dave Henig2Caught
9.Tony Fletcher0Not Out
10.Steve Jacobs0Did Not Bat
1.Steve Jacobs40240--6.00
2.Andy Rayner30160--5.33
3.Mike Ellis7026126.0042.003.71
4.Charlie Hewitt702237.3314.003.14
5.Tony Fletcher512354.606.004.60
6.Dave Henig4020120.0024.005.00
Ben Shaw2catches
Andy Rayner1catch
Tony Fletcher1drop

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