1. Cricket is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy (Stephen Fry)
2. FOOTBALL offers the world clichés; RUGBY produces facial deformity; HOCKEY provides an acceptable outlet for psychotic violence; CRICKET alone breeds myths... More quotes here.


 

Well, fuck me Clarkster, we got hammered there: Islip 22 May (Season: 2000)
Report by: By our man with the PhD in bullshit.

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As the Clarksters shiny new black BMW tooled smoothly down the M40 towards the smoke, Aretha singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T on the super six changer boot mounted CD player with LED display, the man with a PhD in bullshit lit a Marlboro Light and casually inquired of the driver.. "Well, fuck me Clarkster, we got hammered there, for sure and no messing, dontcha agree".

And agree the Clarkster did.

We debated what was most memorable about the day - maybe the way the rain had miraculously held off and it had been sunny with a light wind? Maybe the way their opener had prostrated himself on the ground and cried out to God when dismissed by a great catch behind? Perhaps it was the three catches that our player, New Dominic as we shall have to call him, as we already have a Dominic who is of course younger than NewDominic but not as old in team terms, put down. A hat trick to start the season and rocketing to the top of the dropped catch league.

Perhaps, we debated, it was the other three catches that also went down, or maybe the excellent catch held by the Lockster. We moved smoothly on to the tea and our chances of getting of hitting 131. They were good, we agreed. We nodded sagely. Not a walk in the park, but not the ascent of Everest either.

Pausing only to light another Marlboro and commend the Clarkster on his bowling from the uphill end, we continued.

Perhaps it was the two Islip opening bowlers. The guy who had clearly hot footed it from the England Zimbabwe game (held up by rain) to tear our openers to shreds? Or maybe the guy from the other end. They said he was only 16, but we saw him in the pub later smoking and drinking lager. Clearly he was Fred Truman, bowling with his left arm and after extensive plastic surgery. We only got about two runs from him, and they were both no balls.

Maybe the match defining moment was Dave Henig giving an LBW on the first ball against Paul Rogers our newest recruit. But no, it was a solid decision from a brave umpire with the courage of his convictions. So, it must have been the collapse of the middle order too? Barely in before they were out, we had a small team on pad changing duty, and only a minutely spirited last wicket stand and some benevolent umpiring saw us reach half Islips score.

So what was the defining moment. What thought would the team bring away from the day. We were all agreed. There was no doubt. And it was?????.

Just exactly how did the Lockster pull such a babelicious woman and what exactly does she see in him?

Man of the Match. The Lockster. Two great catches. One on the field and one off. We girlfriendless men salute you.

And at that thought the Clarkster pulled smoothly off the M40 and we hoisted the kit into the garage. "Bye Clarkster" I cried. "We'll do better next time" But I said it to his exhaust. He was away home to his lovely wife and a Chinese takeaway.

You have the right of reply.


POSTCRIPT(S) -
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After performing like a comedian, I suppose it's only fitting that, just like in all the best farces, I've misplaced my trousers! (plus the jock strap!!)
I don't suppose there was a sighting later that evening? If not, could I have the Oppositions 'phone number so I can see if they turn up?
New Dominic
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We're not going to see the Lockster's bird then.
He's probably going to stay low-key now that she's seen some real athletes in action!
As claims to fame go, my mate Ruch (formerly Touche now KPMG) had a date on Saturday with Miss World 1999 (Yukta Mookhey) - is that class or what?
I told him he could have got a shag if he'd ask to borrow the BMW, rather than rely on his knackered old Golf. ...... . .
from the Clarkster

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and more from the Clarkster 31 May

A Patient Writes.........

"Whilst I would like to take the plaudits for the safe ferrying of the Doctor, his large bag(!) and his current batting average of 32 to and from picturesque(!!) Oxon, it is only fair that I should take the brickbats for my contribution to the defeat, as follows:

1. Squire Henig was also in the car on the way there. The erratic nature of my driving may have had a deleterious effect on his delicate constitution causing the twitching finger which sent Mr Rodgers on his way.

2. Clearly my accretion of 14 runs in more than 20 overs was not the most obvious way of securing victory for the team - well, not our team.

3. Had I made more of an impression on Mr Lock in the Large-thighed Ladies Shut-out dance on the 1999 tour, he may have been able to contribute more between the stumps in Islip rather than with his own on the boundary edge with Miss Salix 2000."

Salix CC versus Islip at Islip on 22-05-2000(40 Over Game)
Salix CC (batting second)67all outoff35overs Match Lost
Islip130for 6off40overs
NoPlayerScoreHow Out
1.Fred Maroudas0Bowled
2.Paul Rogers0LBW
3.Neil Clark14Caught
4.Dominic Spillane1Bowled
5.Unknown Ringer6Caught
6.Dave Henig1Bowled
7.Irwin Sarif5Caught
8.John Lock3Bowled
9.Alex Newton8Caught & Bowled
10.Tony Fletcher8Not Out
11.Dominic Guinness4Caught
Extras17
Total67
No.PlayerOversMaidensRunsWicketsAveSREcon
1.Alex Newton9123123.0054.002.56
2.Neil Clark9030215.0027.003.33
3.Dave Henig51230--4.60
4.Paul Rogers5160--1.20
5.Fred Maroudas7033133.0042.004.71
6.Dominic Guinness51924.5015.001.80
Neil Clark1catch
Tony Fletcher1catch
John Lock1catch
Fred Maroudas1catch
Dominic Spillane3drops
Neil Clark1drop
Alex Newton1drop
Irwin Sarif1drop


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